The 12 Days of Thirstmas: Michael B. Jordan

Welcome to the 12 Days of Thirstmas: an extensive examination of all things thirst-worthy in the world of entertainment. Forget parched-ness in a pear tree, if you’ve been good this year (and especially if you’ve been naughty), treat yourself to a wide variety of dudes who don’t just look good in photos, but in GIFs, too.

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In today’s edition, Creed star Michael B. Jordan, who will make you thirstier than running up the Rocky steps.

The time has come to stare, unabashedly, at Michael B. Jordan.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that Michael B. Jordan is a full time snack.

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But he’s not just any snack; he’s one of those healthy snacks. One of those ones that is good and good for you. He’s a plate of sweet potato fries. Or, like, a Triscuit. Triscuits are healthy, right? They’ve got all that texture; it’s got to be for some reason. He’s a Triscuit, with goat cheese on top and a little bit of chive. You start chopping up chives and you know you mean serious business.

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Michael B. Jordan is a homemade Luna bar from a recipe you found on your favorite cooking blog. Like, log on to Smitten Kitchen and it’ll just say “Michael B. Jordan” and you’ll be like “CLICK.”

The serving size says “one bar” but you eat the whole pan and don’t regret it one bit. “It’s healthy!”

Michael B. Jordan goes by Michael B. Jordan so as not to be confused with another famous Michael: Michael Bolton.

I’m just kidding. It’s Michael Bay. Anyway, the B in his name, I presume, stands for “Boy, would I!” That’s a fact. Also a fact: you would. Everyone would. With his mega-watt smile, his overwhelming charisma, and his outstanding talent, he’s on everyone’s holiday list.

Oh, and then there’s that body.

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Michael B. Jordan has body for days. For weeks even. Years. He has body for however long the time was in Interstellar. Both the time that passed in the film and the length of the movie itself. (Look, Interstellar was very good but it lasted about three and half weeks. The running time of Interstellar covered two pay periods. We just have to admit this.)

But back to the matter at hand.

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Though he’s still relatively early in his career, Michael B. Jordan has made a splash playing a wide-variety of steadfast heroes, sinister villains, and charming sidekicks, all of them shockingly hot. Michael B. Jordan is that rare star whose characters are always accessible and grounded in real life, but also way hotter than anyone you have ever met.

Michael B. Jordan is like the boy-next-door, if you lived next to a Crossfit gym frequented exclusively by super humans.

MATT KENNEDY/MARVEL

He’ll next appear as the villain in Marvel’s Black Panther. I don’t know what’s happening his chest in this image but I don’t even care. Actually, scratch that. I do know what’s going on on his chest: the business. He’s not T’Challa’s arch nemesis, he’s his swole mate.

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I’m sure he’ll be a great bad guy, but not-so-secretly I’m really excited for him and T’Challa to hug it out at the end. Like, a very long hug.

The truth is, Michael B. Jordan can do no wrong. Michael B. Jordan could eat crackers in bed. Wouldn’t care. Michael B. Jordan could crack his knuckles all the damn time. Totally fine; I’d beatbox to it and we’d tour the nation.

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Michael B. Jordan could use this microphone to talk at full volume through any movie in the theater, including Black Panther, and I’d probably be like, “That’s an adorable habit you have there. I like that you brought props. Pass the popcorn and let’s dish.”

He could set up a nightly talk show in the middle of the theater and sell tickets. Wouldn’t mind. Would subscribe. And share.

He could do a bad Carpool Karaoke cover of “Living on a Prayer.” I’d still download it on iTunes.

Michael B. Jordan will make you abandon your core values (but he would never ask you to).

He’s everything you hoped he’d be.

Michael B. Jordan will do your hair. Well.

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Did you know that Michael B. Jordan committed so hard during the filming of Creed that he got knocked out during a boxing scene? That’s commitment. And that’s how much he’ll commit to you.

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I love this photo because it reminds me of the movie I just made up in my head in which Michael B. Jordan plays a bespoke billionaire who sails the world on his yacht and goes shirtless jogging with his hot older brother, played by Sterling K. Brown. There is no plot, just alternating shots of Michael B. Jordan shirtless and in well-tailored suits. It’s going to win about 30 Oscars.

Speaking of suits, can we talk about how well Michael B. Jordan wears clothes?! I am, as a general rule, not one to say “More clothes, please” but in this case I’ll make an exception. This is the man that clothes were invented for. Every suit that existed before him was just a pile of lifeless scraps.

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Let’s close out this, the third day of Thirstmas with a bunch of photos of Michael B. Jordan wearing the luckiest garments every sewn.

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Even sweats are blessed on Michael B. Jordan.

Praise!

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.

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